Leadership Series: Seek First to understand , then to be understood- Part 2

As we saw in the prev post, how by empathically listening and reflecting Priya's feelings so that she knows you are genuinely trying to understand her- Priya felt understood, she felt that you valued her feelings and understood them. That helped her calm down. The friendship remained intact and both friends were able to understand each other.

For us to understand the other person's feelings truly and develop compassion for them- even when they are attacking us, we need the following:

1. Value the relationship over your own ego: 
1. Everyone is a part and parcel of Krishna, just like us. We want to connect with people at that level.
2. "ACT out of values not out of weak emotional feelings" 

1. Acknowledge to ourselves about how we are feeling when we are being attacked as we saw in this example.Maintain your calm - its natural to feel how you are feeling but you do not act on your feelings. You act on the value that you first want to understand.
2. God has "Given us two ears and one mouth for a reason" - "Listen Twice as much as you talk"
3. Put yourself in the other persons shoes and mirror how they are feeling- 

1. Examples- seems like you are feeling very betrayed after hearing this, seems like you feel sad for your friend, seems like you feel bad that your friend is doing this to you,etc. 
2. Focus on "FEELING" words.

When we try to understand the other person- we make them feel loved and valued. This makes them want to understand, love and value us in turn.

Leadership Series: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.- Part 1

This is a very important leadership trait. It is habit number 5 in Steven covey's "7 habits for highly effective people".
It is a great leadership skill and it is required in almost every thing we do and every career-  be it a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher and also in every role we play in our lives- daughter, mother, sister, friend, etc.
We can be successful only when we seek first to understand.

A doctor can be successful when he truly understands what their patient is saying to them to correctly diagnose the disease. A good teacher is one who understands the student very well and explains things in a way in which they can comprehend.

"Feeling understood" is a universal need
Every person desires that the world truly understands them and their feelings. It makes them feel accepted and loved. Therefore we must first try to hear empathic-ally- understand the feelings of the other person before we chose to respond .

Seek first to understand

Since wanting to be understood is a universal need - if in a conflict if we
can try to first understand the other person before expecting them to understand us - it has a very positive result even if both parties disagree with each other. The relationship remains pleasant and cordial.

Suppose your friend Priya has heard from someone that you spoke badly about her to Mansi and she is feeling hurt and talking with you about it.

Priya: I am so upset with you. You are not my friend anymore.How could you do this to me?You broke my trust. I never though you could speak like this about me. I never thought you of all my friends could do this to me.

You:(You are feeling hurt that you are being accused of something that you have not done. You are feeling hurt that Priya could believe the lies that others are saying about you even without once checking with you)
Priya I am shocked that you think like this about me. I could never do that. How could you accuse me like that.I have been your friend for so long and we have done so many things together- how could you not trust me after knowing me for so long.

Priya: (even more hurt- thinking that you are lying) Its one thing that you spoke behind my back and now you are denying it.

You: Why don't you believe I did not do that.
Priya : ...... More of the same.........

and this goes one and on.

The conversation would have been very different if one of  the girls decided to really understand the other person.GIVING UNDERSTANDING TO THE OTHER PERSON HEALS THEM AND CALMS THE STORM THEY ARE FEELING INSIDE.

Priya: I am so upset with you. You are not my friend anymore.How could you do this to me?You broke my trust. I never thought you could speak like this about me. I never thought you of all my friends could do this to me.

You:(You are feeling hurt that you are being accused of something that you have not done. You are feeling hurt that Priya could believe the lies that others are saying about you even without once checking with you.You give compassion to yourself - says its natural for you to feel like that, but you decide to not act on your feelings but you take the mature step to really understand Priya and her feelings first and then when she is calmer you will ge a chance to express genuinely about how you felt when you heard that)
Seems like you are feeling very hurt about something I have done and you are feeling I broke your trust

Priya: (even more hurt- thinking that you are lying) Its one thing that you spoke behind my back and now you are acting as if you do not know anything.

You: (You keep your emotional balance and say the same thing again with the same calmness as before)
Seems like you are feeling very hurt about something I have done and you are feeling I broke your trust. I am really sorry but I do not know what you are referring to - I am most willing to correct my behavior if you feel I have made a mistake and it has hurt you. It will be very helpful for me if you can tell me what have you heard.

Priya : (seeing your sincerity in understanding her she becomes a little calm- she can see that you are genuinely feeling sad about how she is feeling and you are sincere about correcting yourself. This causes her to think that maybe you really do not know what is going on) Mansi told me that you told her that you do not like me and that it is a pain for you to be my friend and that you hate coming to my house and that next time you go to Wild waves you will not take me with your family but you want to hang around other friends.

You: hmmm. (really trying to put yourself in Priya's shoes and feel what she would have felt when she heard this from Mansi.)
This must have been very painful to hear for you. If I were in your place I would have felt the same way as you are feeling, probably worse. I thank you that you are at least open about how you are feeling- I would have never talked to me friend about it and just given her the cold shoulder.

Priya: And you also said that you would love to be in a different dance class than me because you think I am a slow learner and so many other things. Did you say all this to her? (Just because you are showing her understanding and valuing her feelings - Priya has shifted from being confident that you back bited her TO now asking you if you did it and giving you a chance)

You: I feel really sorry about how you feel. Mansi and I did meet each other and we talked about a lot of things. I feel bad that she misquoted me on some of the things I said. I was telling her that my school group wants to go to wild waves together and I might go with them. She asked me if I would take you along with me to which I said that "Priya might feel lost with my school friends because she doesn't know anybody, I think I will go somewhere else with all my temple friends."
Also I did talk about dance class and did tell her I would be changing my class- because I want to learn Bharat Natyam Fusion for a while and that happens in a different class. I also find the current dance class to slow for me and I think fusion will be faster and more fun.

Priya: I feel so bad that Mansi did this and that I believed her.And I feel really bad that I spoke to you the way I did. I am sorry.

You: Its ok these kind of things happen. Its important that you spoke about it. We could clear things.

Priya: Thank you for being so patient.I am so happy to have you as my friend.

Leadership Series: Becoming a Truthful devotee

Some questions that help in the discussion :

1. What does being truthful mean to you?
2. Why should a devotee be truthful?
3. Why dont we or others behave truthfully at times?
4. What are the areas we should be truthful to ourselves about in our growth in KC
1. Honest Acceptance of who we really are- which means accepting what is good in us and also accepting our areas of growth.
2. Honest Acceptance of our motivations when we engage in different activities
3. Once we have made an honest assessment of who we are and have accepted ourselves- then we can gradually improve ourseleves one step at a time. 
4. If we do not do an honest appraisal of ourselves we will never know our shortcomings. Thus we will repeatedly commit the same mistakes

Etiquette in Public and Holy Places

Etiquette in Public:
We must act with the consciousness that Guru, Srila Prabhupada and Krishna are always watching us and every action of ours should be pleasing to them.

Etiquette in Holy Places:
Maintain a submissive humble mood in dealings with devotees and residents of the dham , animals included.
We go to Holy Places in the mood to purify ourselves and develop love for Krishna.
Thus our activities should be:

• visiting temples in the association of devotees
• hearing from senior devotees
• serving devotees

This will help us be in the right consciousness and save us from committing offenses in the dham.

Seniors, Juniors and Equals

Level	How should we behave?	How do we behave?
Seniors	We should be happy and try to learn from them	We feel envious
Juniors	We should be compassionate and try to raise them to the proper standard	We deride them and we feel superior
Equals	We must treat them as a friend	We are proud of our own activities

Reference SB 4.8.34

We must always maintain the mood -

• "Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  
• We address everyone as a prabhu/ mataji which means we think ourselves as a servant of all vaishnavas.

Some scenarios to think about:

1. One of you friends is very good at making deity jewellery and is helping the matajis with making them. The matajis also ask you for help as they have to get it ready for the next day. What will you do?
2. You are making garlands with a senior mataji and another devotee comes and asks you something about a particular philosophical point that was not clear to them in the Sunday school class which you both attended.What will you do?
3. Your new friend just finished honoring prasad and was called to the temple kitchen for a service. She forgot to wash her hands and started doing things in the kitchen. How will you react to this?
   
4. You and your vaishnavi friends are participating in a singing competition in the temple . Your friend wins the competition.You will feel envy. What are things you should not be thinking so you dont feel envy?
5. What if you were the one who won the competition? How would you deal with your friends?How would you accept this and who would you give credit to?
   

Recieving Guests at the temple

Quotes:
Srila Prabhupada:
"When we actually see people coming to our centre, chant, dance, take
prasad, becoming jubilant and purchase books, we know that certainly Sri
Caitanya Mahaprabhu is always present in such transcendental activities
and He is very pleased and satisfied." (Adi Lila 2.9.50, p.)

HH Radhanath Maharaj:
"We’re distributing so many tens and millions of books all over the world and we must continue doing so. But when people take interest in the book and decide let me go to the temple, their philosophy makes sense, this is changing my life, I want to do it, I want to learn how, I need people to show me to live by these books and when Krishna sees that interest, He sends them to the temple.

And unless we’re prepared to welcome, to greet them, and teach them how to live by these books, they will never make much spiritual advancement.

Because in the books it says, you must have the association of devotees.

Our temples, it is so very important that we learn the science of properly giving and receiving the association of devotees. Actually every guest that comes is Krishna’s specially invited guest. And it is our duty to give them every possible opportunity to make spiritual advancement. It is the first priority.

Why are we spending so much money building big big beautiful beautiful temples all over the world. It is to attract people to come. It is not just to attract them to come, it’s to attract them to come but also to meet devotees and learn how to surrender to Krishna. If after spending millions of dollars to build temples, and when people come and we don’t have time to teach them how to be devotees, because we need to pay the bills, better we stay in the little storefront or better we don’t even have any temples. Just sit on the street and meet people and teach them how to become devotees.

And this is a fact. But BEST, we have our beautiful temples and we have beautiful devotees to say HARI BOL ! Welcome. Please meet our deities.

Please chant Krishna’s name and be happy. Have prasadam my friend … Haribol!

Who would want to even leave such a temple. We should be blissful … ” Thank you for coming ."

HH Bhakti Caru Maharaj:
Any guests who visit are Srila Prabhupada's guests and have been personally sent by Krishna. As his servants it is our pleasure (and duty) to serve them. The arrival of a guest is a chance to introduce a conditioned soul to Srila Prabhupada or relish Vaisnava association. Vaisnavas feel joy and gratitude to be blessed with such an opportunity.

We need to remember that everyone is a part and parcel of Krsna and is very dear to Him. We show this practically in the mood of loving exchange:

1. Welcoming the guest with sweet words, a seat and prasada. (If no prasada is available at least a glass of water or fruits should be offered.)
2. Being prepared to give our time and sincere concern -make their visit to the temple wonderful
3. Remaining Krsna conscious in our discussions and dealings
4. Thanking the guest for his visit and inviting him to please come again.
5. Whoever comes to the temple must be greeted with folded hands

HH Radhanath Maharaj: Lecture caring for devotees.
"Whoever comes in the door-whoever it may be-is greeted with folded hands and welcomed to the temple. Srila Prabhupada said that anyone who comes to the temple is personally sent by Krishna. With that understanding the devotees warmly and cordially say: “Oh, thank you for coming to Radha-Gopinatha temple, welcome!”.................... The devotees give the visitor caranamrita and prasadam, and they just become friends of the person and say “If you have any questions, please ask.” Almost all the guests become best friends with a devotee receptionist, and gradually, when they become more interested, they buy books and other things. After coming once people come again, not just to see the Deities, but because there is a friend of theirs in the temple and they want to see him. They tell their relatives and friends: “In that temple there is such a nice sadhu who is my friend, let’s go and meet him.”

Having understood the above quotes on the importance of receiving guests in the temple what would you do in the following situations?

1. You are engaged in a time sensitive service and an inquisitive guest arrives at the temple. Everyone else is also busy with no time to welcome the guest?
2. You are making garlands and a guest expresses interest in helping out?
3. You see someone with a baby entering the temple and they forget to remove the baby's shoes off?
4. You see two devotees engaged in an argument and at the same time many new guests have come to the temple. You are worried that the behavior of the devotees will affect the guest's impression of the temple and eventually our Guru Parampara and teachings.
   

Sadhana Chart

Week	Geetika	Harini	Puja	Saakshi	Ashmi
5/1-5/8	-25	65	70	??	65

Needs to be updated for last week. Members please send me your scores.

Score Calculation:

Completed Prescribed number of rounds on all days before 7pm +10 per day

Missing rounds on any one day -5 per day missed

2 or more rounds done before leaving for school +2 for each round only if 2 or more.